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  #1  
Old 10-05-2005, 03:18 PM
elite_fan elite_fan is offline
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Default A War Poem - Your Views Please

Hi, this is my poem about war...

Night falls, fear calls,
Shadows hide behind walls,
Hands check for ammo,
Fingers slick with camo,
Bullets fly, zip, bang, whamm
Quick, open a tin of spam,
Sink deeper in your foxhole,
Dig down like a deadly mole,
A figure in my cross-hairs,
Friend or foe,
Don't know,
Damn - I froze,
Away the figure goes,
Will I ever earn,
the right to return (home)?
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  #2  
Old 10-05-2005, 03:40 PM
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js_mac js_mac is offline
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Well done, that was.... ****e
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  #3  
Old 10-05-2005, 03:41 PM
Pathfinder UK Pathfinder UK is offline
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Another constructive and well thought out criticism from a first class idiot. Well done sir...
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  #4  
Old 10-05-2005, 03:55 PM
elite_fan elite_fan is offline
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Well can the two of you do any better? It's very easy to dole out criticism you know - that poem took me ages.
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  #5  
Old 10-06-2005, 12:39 AM
Pathfinder UK Pathfinder UK is offline
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I wasn't criticising you elite. It was JS_mac's response I didn't like.
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  #6  
Old 10-06-2005, 12:55 AM
elite_fan elite_fan is offline
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Oops my apologies Pathfinder - I'm feeling rather hormonal these days and the slightest thing sets me off.

Thank you for your support. You'll note that I have something of an unusual poetic style - I'm trying to cultivate something a little more (ahem) avant garde.

Cheers,
Elite Fan
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  #7  
Old 10-07-2005, 12:13 AM
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kurusch kurusch is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elite_fan
Hi, this is my poem about war...

Night falls, fear calls,
Shadows hide behind walls,
Hands check for ammo,
Fingers slick with camo,
Bullets fly, zip, bang, whamm
Quick, open a tin of spam,
Sink deeper in your foxhole,
Dig down like a deadly mole,
A figure in my cross-hairs,
Friend or foe,
Don't know,
Damn - I froze,
Away the figure goes,
Will I ever earn,
the right to return (home)?

It's concise and terse. Possibly too short. Another few verses would make it feel 'meatier'. But I like it. Thank you.
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Nearly 750,000 Iraqis have died since 2003 who might still be alive but for the US-led invasion. That is a cause for shame, not pride.
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  #8  
Old 10-13-2005, 10:14 PM
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very nice.. well thought.
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  #9  
Old 10-16-2005, 09:51 AM
Pathfinder UK Pathfinder UK is offline
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Ok lets analyse this English Literature style...

The first and most important thing to point out (in my mind) is your lack of uniform syllables in your lines. This isn't always needed in poetry (in the same way rythm isn't needed) however in my eyes poems with lines that have some sort of form you poem goes.

4, 6, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 3, 2, 3, 5, 5, 5 (1)

For obvious reasons there are strong semantic fields of war and one shorter one of the words assocated with darkness.
You use onomatopeia (spelt wrong) effectivly in your 6th line
"Bullets fly, zip, bang, whamm"
Your next line finishes with the word 'spam'. No doubt simply because you couldnt think of a word to rythm with 'whamm', more forsight should be used in future to make sure all of you sentences are relevant.
If this was an English Literature lecture your first two lines would be explained due to you being terrified of confined spaces especially the line:
"Shadows hide behind walls"

Sorry I can't analyse this any further but it's not a very complex piece of writing.
That in mind, however, I can honestly say that any attempt of mine to write a poem would be ten times worse than your effort.

It's my opinion that war poetry should be limited to the first world war in which the troops of the time didn't know better. Keep poetry out of war.
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  #10  
Old 10-17-2005, 05:36 PM
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Haehn Haehn is offline
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i thought it was pretty good
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